A worried mother sat on the sofa in my office. Her spouse was recently fired and they encountered tension at home, and her 15-year-old son's grades began to decline. "One of the things he seems to care about is the wrestling team," she told me. He would wake up at 5 a.m. to practice, but he didn't do his homework. “We think we should separate him from the team until his grades turn around.”
I certainly understand this instinct over the past 30 years, and there have been many versions of dialogue over the past 30 years, both as an educator and a parent of three children. When children are in trouble, parents often feel that they don’t have much leverage. However, my experience working with children and a lot of research into resilience have taught me a valuable lesson: when a child is short, punishing them by taking what they care most is not a way to motivate them.
Raising people is an imperfect iterative process. The current parenting landscape (defined for many families due to constant concerns about achievement) can allow moms and dads to focus on what their children lack, rather than where they are good at. Some parents' eyes may be the lowest score on the transcript first. Those parents may reflectively prepare to mobilize tutors or insist on new learning habits to remedy perceived weaknesses. They do this to help you, eliminate or neutralize vulnerability, which may hinder your child’s success. However, decades of research have shown that the key to young people with parenting is not the struggle against themselves. It is known to recognize, cultivate and build one's strengths to identify what child development experts call "a competence islands."
Clinical psychologist Robert Brooks proposed the term more than 40 years ago, and they believe that every child, regardless of their challenges, has a unique field of competence and is the work of educators and parents to foster and celebrate these gifts, not just a feeling-good exercise, but an important foundation for growth. Other studies have shown that “power-based parenting” or practices that help children rely on their own skills are associated with lower levels of stress and school engagement. In contrast, psychologists suggest that parenting focused on fixed weaknesses can negatively affect children's confidence and self-esteem and can lead to increased stress and avoidance behaviors.
Confidence is infectious: when we are good at things, our courage rises. When young people experience their strength and competent people (like artists, athletes, leaders or friends), they can better be able to persevere in other areas of their lives.
Time and again I watched actors find ways to lock academically in spring musicals while managing long rehearsal nights, athletes who turn in their MVP seasons, and debaters who produce great English papers when they return in the tournament. When young people have a sense of purpose or ability, this ability often continues to other parts of their lives when they have a tolerant “island”.
I have witnessed this phenomenon playing a role in my own home. Every weekend for the past three years, my youngest daughter, now a high school student, has worked in a food truck. She accepts orders, updates Doordash drivers, and deals with occasional angry patrons. Her academic burden is huge, and at different times, my wife and I have discussed with her the idea of reducing her work to academics. However, she insists on waking up early every Saturday and Sunday. "They need me," she explained. Whether it was struggling in chemistry tests or clashing with friends, the feeling of need had caused her many setbacks.
Emphasizing kindness to correct behavior – Keeping a positive attitude when observing things you might be considered negative may not be the first instinct of many parents. But this is our own ability worth developing. To help strengthen the Children’s Islands, parents can take some simple steps:
1. Identify the island.
Sometimes a child discovers his own island. At other times, parents may want to nudge – pay attention to what happens naturally or bring happiness to their children, and then invite them to reflect on the activities and topics they illuminate their. It helps adopt curiosity. You can ask: "Where do you feel the most confident, energetic and motivated?" This may be an academic subject, but it can easily become a human skill, artistic pursuit or hobby. If your child’s first response is to say “play video games” or “watch YouTube,” look more closely. Are they learning something useful as they drive along YouTube rabbit hole? A friend’s son once spent countless hours watching sports highlights. His father was worried that he was wasting his time, but he held his tongue. Now, my son is a young man with a paid job editing videos for the NBA team. Of course, teenagers’ passion does not always translate into future employment. But they can - a good argument for the leadership of parents with children.
2. name.
Many children do not realize their strengths and mistakenly believe that what they are good at or are prone to appear has no value. Children who patiently help young siblings do homework may not identify themselves as teachers or families contributors. Naming this power can help them see themselves in a new light. Our English teacher once encouraged a high school friend of mine to submit dramas for the "Young Playwright" competition. Decades later, she produced several works on Broadway. Another friend tells the story of his daughter’s ninth-grade biology teacher handing her an excellent lab report and then tells her: “You should consider being a doctor.” Ten years later, she went to medical school. A tap on the shoulder can change the trajectory of life.
3. Built on it.
Research on motivation shows that it is not only innate talent, but also intentional practice of mastery, which brings long-term confidence and perseverance. Parents can offer their children the opportunity to develop their strengths through summer lessons, clubs and teams, or unstructured time at home. Children who show mechanical talent may like to build models. A person who likes the audience may try to have a debate or a drama. One of my former students opened a theater company in his living room in high school. He is now a professional actor. It is important to propose an activity to the children, rather than to force them, which can backfire and turn into resentment.
4. Use advantages to solve disadvantages.
Sometimes a child will hit a dead end and think he has failed. That was when my parents said: You don't need to be good at everything. Let's remember our strengths - they may help you figure out where you can contribute. Confidence in one area can build resilience in another. A child who is verbally speaking but finds writing difficulties may benefit from pointing out his thoughts loudly before he speaks out. Extrovert with a high emotional intelligence, fighting executive function may help peers with a group project and then rely on others for organization and management deadlines. Even if a child’s strengths cannot be applied to a specific task, simply knowing that they are good at something can surface when they face a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.
5. Tell an optimistic story.
The family narrative is powerful. When children always hear information about what they lack (She's not a reader; He's terrible in time management), these identities can be consolidated and become self-fulfilling prophecies. A family culture that celebrates advantages (I noticed how you make people feel included; I love the stories you tell - your imagination always surprises me!) can promote a positive sense of self. This is not a call to participate in the trophy. The celebrations must be real or they will be hollow. When my own kids invite me to read their papers, I tell them what I like, but it doesn’t make sense to me. True praise makes sense because it is credible.
Essentially, the “Ability Island” framework is an invitation to how we view our children. It requires us to turn our attention from fear to possibility, from correction to farming. In an age where young people are bombarded with information about what they must achieve, we can remind them of what they already have. By identifying and raising their islands, we show them a way to deepen our potential – in doing so, we can also quiet down our anxiety.