Amanda Kloots knows better than most what it's like to bear the impact of a massive tragedy. In 2020, Kloots clung to her husband, Nick Cordero, as the actor brutally battled and ultimately succumbed to the devastating effects of a new virus.

She offers some guidance for people who are going through different trials five years later.

“Don’t be afraid to sit with it — sit with your sadness and your fear,” the talk show host told a group of Los Angeles fire survivors and their allies on a Zoom call a few days ago. "You have to surrender to 'I need help.' You can't be afraid...to let your guard down." "

The devastation caused by the Palisades, Eaton and other Los Angeles fires poses significant physical challenges to rebuilding, as well as many unresolved engineering and environmental issues. But just as important, trauma veterans and professionals say, is psychological reconstruction — the daunting challenge of restoring confidence and hope now also in ruins.

Of course, no single piece of advice is a cure-all. But interviews with experts reveal how many common beliefs about grief are wrong, and how correcting them can offer the best chance of healing.

"The biggest misconception is that we think grief is death. But grief is any change in ourselves that we don't want to happen," says David Kessler, an author and grief expert who runs the website Grief.com. “We are all living right now with changes we don’t want.”

Kessler and his family live in a house in Studio City, where they have been packing for a week. Even if the suitcases are put away, he said, he's not sure people understand what awaits. "There's an old saying that just because the fire trucks leave doesn't mean it's over. It's just the beginning," he said. He added, “It’s easy for us to say, ‘Let’s go get essentials like food, blankets and coats’; and we’re really good at that. Mental health issues are harder to understand. "

Part of the confusion about grief is that what saves one person has the opposite effect on another. Research shows that "internal processors" and "external processors"—broadly speaking, are those who benefit most from talking about grief with others—and those who need something different.

“We encourage people to go to therapy and talk about grief,” said Joanne Cacciatore, a professor at Arizona State University and author of the book bear the unbearable In 1994, after the death of her daughter, she founded the MISS Foundation, which focuses on grief. "But that only works if you're an external processor. For internal processors, it feels like a burden. They need to find other ways — like writing, or hiking on their own."

Grief itself seems like a strong word for those whose loved ones are safe and sound. We want to know can it really be applied to things? But experts say it's entirely appropriate to lose your home and its contents. Grandparents’ jewelry, children’s art, items purchased on our honeymoon—some items transcend physical space. “These things are not representative of the things themselves,” said Steve Leder, senior rabbi of the Wilshire Boulevard Temple in Los Angeles and author of a memoir about grief. remaining beauty", said on Zoom. "They are just ships for now. "

In fact, those who have experienced the devastation of a house fire say to be wary of a treadmill of regret when it comes to these items. "The catalog of what you did and what you did wrong when you leave will linger in your mind for a long time," said Live with Bill Maher Writer-producer Chris Kelly, who lost his Malibu home in the 2018 Woolsey Fire, added that the pain kept coming. "Families...have heirlooms. And you're not one of those families anymore."

Achieving this realization requires engaging with what some trauma experts call “shattered assumptions theory”—the moment when a person realizes that their vision for their life has disappeared and a completely new one must be created. This understanding is so powerful that the body self-regulates it and the associated stress hormones by creating a denial system that gradually relaxes. "It has to trickle into the bloodstream a little at a time or we won't be able to take it," Cacciatore said.

Even so, the effects may persist: An experiment on laboratory animals in which they were chemically exposed to a new threat found that, surprisingly, the animals also passed on this fear to their animals. Descendants.

Faced with such power, all many can do is find ways to use words to reconstruct what has been lost. "Storytelling is one of the best ways to process grief," Kessler said. "That's why you'll hear someone talk about 'Dad did that' ten times over. People who have lost their homes or their communities are probably going to do that a lot in the coming months. And that's fine - it's what they're dealing with. "

Like all experts, Kessler warns others not to blame grieving victims for this behavior or to adopt "toxic positivity" -- a popular phrase that describes telling trauma victims that everything is or will be. The best. He points out that this can make people feel like they are severely invalidating how they are feeling. (He and others say even Angelenos who haven’t lost their homes are now experiencing deep fear and anxiety. “Just walking around the house and deciding what steps to take is an important moment that we underestimate.”)

Experts say it can also be triggered by the act of returning to a destroyed space — which, in the case of the fires, complicates narratives of returning to the Palisades or Altadena to rebuild. Doing so, Cacciatorre said, reminds people again of what they have lost.

Jeff Berg, the former president of ICM and Resolution who has lived in Palisades for 40 years, said he believes children in the community, in particular, will face the problem. "They were used to going to Little League or the village square or school, and now when they go there they're like 'Where am I?'" said Berg, who now runs the consulting firm Northside Services. He stopped. “People need to be very well-versed in mental health to be able to deal with this issue.”

Still, there's value in at least a short-term return. Rabbi Ryder of Wilshire Boulevard advised the victims to return and visit the charred remains of their home. "Do this even if you're ambiguous or unsure," he says. "Because 'If I can see it and talk about it, I can survive it.'"

Perhaps few people have attempted to confront tragedy more head-on than Ricki Lake. The talk show host fled a house fire in Malibu with her two young sons in 2010, then endured the suicide death of her ex-husband, Christian Evans, in 2017. Wanting to start over, she soon designed a new home in the Palisades. , and lives there with her new husband, Ross Burningham, whom she married in 2022.

That house burned down last week, and video of Burningham trying in vain to put out the fire with a garden hose went viral on Instagram.

"We built a shelter," Lake told survivors on Zoom as she tried to hold back tears. "I am a disabled person now." But she also said that the trauma of the past has "become a gift and a blessing."

Experts say that with the right amount of effort (and a little luck), it's possible.

“I hate to even bring this up because it’s so early, but researchers have discovered something called post-traumatic stress disorder,” said Alexandra Beth Solomon, an adjunct clinical psychologist at Northwestern University. The thing about growing up is that it can co-exist with post-traumatic stress,” the professor who hosts the podcast “Reimagining Love.” "The idea is that, if handled properly, grief can foster a deeper sense of spirituality, interconnectedness, compassion and appreciation."

She noted that “there’s certainly no way to ensure that happens, but there are conditions that can maximize the likelihood,” including by moving into a permanent state of “finding community, being able to speak out about the terrible hard stuff that is chaotic, and not disengaging. Contact” anger or fear. "If trauma is more intact, it's less likely to overwhelm us," she said.

Kloots accurately describes the outcome, in which growth and stress somehow coexist in the aftermath of her trauma. “You become a different version of yourself,” she said.

Then, taking a deep breath, she added: “Grief has changed the way I live and love.

“Grief,” she points out, “turns you into a person you didn’t know existed.”

If you or someone you know is facing a mental health challenge, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Chris Gardner contributed to this report.