Kai discovers that Jesus is in his teens. Kai is now a person of white and Hawaiian descent and is now identified by gender-neutral pronouns as “Māhū,” a traditional Hawaiian term that is one person between men and women. But when they first became Christians, high school students were identified as gay and committed to being celibate.
Kai is a pseudonym for protecting his privacy - accepted the church's "enthusiastic but not sure" doctrine about LGBTQ+ people, agreeing that same-sex intimacy is incompatible with Christians. Kai recalled that it was great to sacrifice for the Lord. But they eventually realize they are hurting themselves.
"I found myself closing the connection unconsciously," Kai told us. "Inside, I was breaking down every moment because I was so enthusiastic about myself."
Kai believes-their church teach--God's love is a gift that can be given freely. However, they still feel worthy of that love, and Kai has to "surrender" their direction and the need for emotional connection, even with friends.
“It took me a long time to look back and say, ‘That’s the day I hate myself.’ “I hate myself to prove how much I love God. ”
Kai began to reflect on what it means to be a Christian and concluded that Jesus had no problem with same-sex marriage, or gender outside of the explicit thought of “male” and “female”. Christian "friends" quietly cut Kai off from their lives.
As a sociologist and philosopher, we work together to understand the experience of LGBTQ+ conservative Christians. Kai’s story illustrates a dynamic that our 2025 book, Choose Love, is in what we call “sacramental shame.”
In Christianity, the word “sacrament” usually refers to some special ritual, such as baptism, which provides tangible signs of the existence of God. Many of the LGBTQ+ Christians we talk to feel that the conservative congregation expects them to show shame for their identity to prove that they are not against God – God still exists in their lives.
The weight of shame
Some Protestant denominations fully affirm LGBTQ+ identity, same-sex marriage and gender transition, and other churches being divided.
But when we learn that LGBTQ+ people and their allies advocate for the change of the conservative church, we want to hear their stories.
During interviews and fieldwork, LGBTQ+ evangelicals told us that their churches often treat it as Pine, blunt, as if it is more important than the Ten Commandments. In some congregations, becoming LGBTQ+ is considered a particularly serious sin. But because people cannot change their sexual orientation or gender identity at will, considering these things as sin brings endless experiences of shame.
In the dynamic of “sacramental shame”, the church requires LGBTQ+ people to feel and show shame because they do not reject God. Their church, family and friends are more or less demanding their behavior as if they are very capable of loving others and recognizing their own truth, which is a danger to the ones they love.
As one person recalls, "I cut off a lot of (friends). I thought I was endangering them. I thought I would poison them."
Not worthy of God and others’ love can make people feel that their lives are not worth living. We have heard of countless struggles of addiction, depression and suicide attempts – sometimes even physical symptoms, such as unexplained asthma attacks or autoimmune diseases that are autoimmune diseases developed by LGBTQ+ people.
Queer Christians of color
Sacred shame is not easy for anyone, but it is often more complicated for black or indigenous Christians and other Christians of color. In some ways, this is because centuries ago racist metaphors often portray minorities in sexual ways, called “mixed” or “exotic.” Don't want to be sure that these stereotypes will make it more difficult for LGBTQ+ Christians of color to live their lives.
Like many Christians, Kai is attracted by the message of love and justice of the oppressed. Religion can provide support and power to deal with the reality of racism. But this sometimes becomes pressure to refute racism in a “easy” way.
A black bisexual pastor, we say Imani grew up in a church that quietly supports LGBTG+ people, but she never knew it. As a young man, Imani is worried that her sexual behavior may cause trouble for mothers who have already experienced a lot of experiences:
I was afraid to embarrass my mother. …All I can think of is that if people find out, it would be the doom of rotation. …I never even thought it was an option.
Some white respondents are also worried that coming out will embarrass their parents. But for Imani, the silence of her sexuality seemed to protect the respect of the black community and the belonging of her family in the church.
We also meet Darren Calhoun: a black gay man urging to try to fight gays. His pastor’s idea of how to “repair” Darren involves having him live in a church building outside the state for four years, sleep on the altar and fasting two days a week.
It ended when Darren heard Christ tell him to stop hiding from life. So he went home and his pastor told the church not to talk to him.
Transfer View
Some conservative Christians, including those who are not LGBTQ+, have begun to change the conversation and their own perspectives.
In 2024, New Testament scholar Richard Hays and his son Christopher Hays published a book debating God’s mercy that created space for LGBTQ+ people in the church. Before them, evangelical leaders such as Tony Campolo, David Gushee and James Brownson also changed their minds.
Leaders or laymen who rethink this issue often point to us that Jesus said that all the Ten Commandments boil down to love God and your neighbors. Some say that when they remember to exercise humility, their perspectives start to change, realizing that they may not understand everything about gender, sex, and God’s plan.
For example, the book of Genesis says that God created both men and women. It also says that God created day and night, as well as the ocean and dry land. But, as trans biblical scholar Austen Hartke wrote in his 2018 book Change, neither night nor day stops sunsets. The fact that there are oceans and dry land does not mean that swamps are abominable.
When Kai tried to share God’s love with other LGBTQ+ people, Kai began to realize that their church expectations that all LGBTQ+ people became celibate “not only hurt me; it hurts others.” Kai decided “Nevertheless, when I became a Christian, it wasn’t the spirit of my falling in love with Jesus.”
Humility is not the opposite of pride. This is a realistic awareness of gifts and limitations. When LGBTQ+ people celebrate pride, they are celebrating the knowledge they often win that they are human beings and deserve love.