As Americans become more polarized, even family dinners can be confused, surfaced and may lead to conflict. Tensional conversations usually end with familiar words: “Let’s give it up.”

As a communication educator and trainer, I am often asked how to deal with these conversations, especially when it comes to social and political issues. One piece of advice I give is “Agree or disagree”, or any other phrase that politely represents “stop talking”, will not restore harmony. Not only that, it can cause permanent harm to those important family bonds.

"Don't do" theme

Dialogue is the currency of relationships. When family talks about what — from “What are your five favorite movies?” “What makes you load a dishwasher like this?” — they don’t just exchange information. They are building trust and creating a common story to deepen relationships between family units.

According to exchange researcher Mark L. Knapp’s relationship development model, all relationships have life cycles. People gather to consolidate their connection through five stages, from “start” to “connection.” However, many relationships eventually separated and went through five stages of collapse.

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je0cgjk41mq[/embed]

No relationship is as linear as the model, but it can help point out potentially dangerous areas – moments when bonds have potential separation. A phase in particular explains why it is so dangerous to avoid these difficult conversations: “Limitations.”

Imagine that there is a yellow police plaster around which restricts protection themes - a theme that triggers conflict almost immediately. Having some of these “unrelated” topics in a relationship may not destiny to be a marriage or cause family distancing. However, marking too many ideas as a restricted area makes it easier for people to avoid conversations altogether.

Limitations are one of the "separation" phases in the Knapp model. If the problem is not resolved, a relationship can continue to slide down toward the final stage: termination.

We need to talk

Sadly, this alienation from loved ones is not a theoretical issue. In a 2022 poll of 11,000 Americans, one in four reported that they are now alienated from close families.

More importantly, these relationships are not always replaced by other close connections. About half of Americans say they have only three or fewer close friends. In 2023, then Haierrishan General Vivek Murthy declared widespread loneliness and isolation as an "epidemic".

Social connection is a basic human need. Relationships are more than just providing support; they play a key role in how people define themselves. According to psychology’s “social penetration theory,” dialogue with close families and loved ones deepens interpersonal relationships while helping people learn to articulate their deepest values.

So, if "Agree or not" is not the answer, what is it?

During the family dinner process, there is no one-time process that resolves all conflicts. These technologies require time, patience and compassion – which may be provided briefly in a conflict. However, not only do I have two techniques that I recommend to others, but I use them in my own conflicts: "cyclic understanding" and "reframe and pivot".

Enter the loop

The loop was originally developed for legal mediation and it helps two people in a conversation understand each other. Feeling misunderstood will tend to escalate conflict, so this is a great starting point.

During the “loop”, everyone uses active listening, which means they pay close attention to what their partner says without judgment or interruption. The listeners then demonstrate their understanding by using what is called “empathic interpretation”: restate what they hear from the speaker, and also speak out the emotions they perceive. Finally, they asked the original spokesperson to confirm.

This sounds like this:

So if I understand what you're talking about, you don't think people have to shoot flu in the office because you're not sure if it works and you're frustrated with what the company is telling you to do. Do I have that?

If the speaker refuses, the listener asks them to explain their faults to “circle” and then try to explain again. The participants kept looping until the answer “Am I correct?” was an emphasis on “yes.” This approach ensures that both of them are sure of the actual problem at hand.

There are other benefits to looping. In one study, emphasis on interpretation not only reduced participants’ anxiety, but also allowed speakers to see a more positive view. Feeling full hearing and understanding can reject calories in a difficult conversation.

Framework commonalities

However, this understanding may not be enough. Once both sides understand each other, another “restructure” technique can help dialogue stay away from confrontation and move towards solutions.

In the recomposition, the speaker finds and discusses a point of consensus. By highlighting their consent, rather than things they disagree with, they look for a starting point to solve the problem, rather than face to face.

For example:

I think you and I can agree that we want to keep our home safe. However, I don't think we agree with the role of guns in the house playing in this kind of safety. Is that right?

It is not always possible to find a point to a protocol. However, this recomposition lists the key shared value of the two communicators, which is the starting point for a more constructive discussion. Recomposition also removes the conversation from the inflammatory language, which can automatically reignite the battle. `

No magic bullets

For every relationship, or quick solution, no technology will be the perfect, suitable solution. Careful communication can be mentally exhausted, and a pause can always:

I don't think we're going to address our country's financial problems tonight, but thank you for talking about it. Let's continue to do so. But for now, I think there is a pie. Want some?

It is also important to accept that not all relationships can or should be preserved. However, it is always nice to know that the relationship ends for obvious reasons, not because of a misunderstanding that has never been resolved.

However, hopefully these strategies will help keep communication and relationships healthy, no matter what topics are raised during dinner.