In 2014, I taught English to teach undergraduate freshmen at a Massachusetts university. A student in a class, behind his job, was angry at the new task we were working on. He picked up the chair and threw it through a student and the aisle of the room.

Then he sat down, as if nothing had happened. The chair didn't impress anyone, but several students had to avoid their heads. As someone who caused PTSD and dissociation in the wake of child abuse and domestic violence (PTSD), I found myself frozen in front of the classroom, temporarily returning to previous violence with my ex-partner.

I recently re-watched four-part puberty on Netflix and recalled my former student. The series explores the consequences of a 13-year-old boy, his family and community, who killed a female student who bullied him online. Just like Jamie’s main character Jamie, who keeps denying his involvement. Eventually, Jamie stabs the girl.

For me, a boy can kill a girl and convince himself that there is nothing wrong with what he means to major social failure. The boy was taught that it was acceptable to act against anger. We have normalized it.

When I was 25 years old, I dated a man for several months. A friend of his was visiting and asked if I was going to go out for an outdoor adventure with two people. In the spirit of the day, I said, “I’m ready.” My boyfriend misunderstood it as sex and immediately patted my face hard. No one said a word, I went that day and it seemed that nothing happened. My boyfriend’s friend never contacted me after the incident. He never did or said anything that implies that he believed the violence was unfounded. This tells me that violence is normal, acceptable behavior.

My students’ behavior scared me so much that afterwards, I felt unconfident in the other 20 classes I was able to stay safe in front of him. I contacted my supervisor and they suggested that I contact Campus Safety and our Campus Learning Disabilities Center, which serves students with physical or cognitive problems.

I had wanted campus safety to have conversations with students and record chair activities, so there could be paper trails if further action or threats continue.

Instead, campus police said no one was injured and therefore no incidents were reported. The Learning Disability Center can tell me that the student is in their program, but they can’t share anything about the student or how best to handle him with me.

Addressing these issues in young boys is essential to prevent serious violence in older behaviors. We fail our children, standing at the intersection of increased violence among boys and young people, only escalating when no feasible solution is found. My abusive ex-partner grew up without a healthy male role model. According to my abuser and his mother, he was not taught to suppress his temper or monitor his anger.

I believe that consciousness must start with parents and start early.

Frustration and anger must be recognized, named and faced. Escalation can be prevented if young people can be taught to determine actions that trigger defensive or even uncontrollable reactions. Solutions and alternatives can be provided when parents can acknowledge their child’s behavior and point it out.

"Timeouts" at home and school should not be used as punishment, but as an opportunity to take a step back, hold your breath and reassess the situation. The process must be repeated and strengthened into a new response pattern. Encouraging boys to recognize and express their feelings, whether they are angry, sad or depressed, can teach them to be aware of these feelings, rather than just taking action against them, which can be a big step.

After children enter school, discussions about feelings and appropriate actions must become a regular part of classroom instruction. The new definition of “timeout” can provide students with a practice of self-care, a healthy alternative to showing anger. During the time in the school therapist’s office or coaching counselors or other trained employees, it can be a safe place to calm them down and discuss alternative responses to anger behavior.

In classroom teaching, role-playing situations can help students learn and practice alternative responses to anger and aggression in the face of stimulation. If enough feedback and opportunities are obtained in both home and school situations, this type of practice and reinforcement may become a new automatic response. Mental health teaching problems in classrooms starting from a very young age can help decay shame, isolation and powerless emotions.

Embarrassment and shame can be important triggers for boys and girls, and in adolescence it does actually lead to Jamie fatally stabbing the girl who bullied him online. Shame and anger are normal human responses to certain situations, but addressing these feelings from an early age can help children learn healthy and safe ways to cope, rather than slamming others. He was also ashamed when my abuser assumed that my response to my friend was sexual.

As a society, it is acceptable to teach boys and men. TV commercials and movies portray men as physically and mentally powerful, so that any expression of vulnerability makes them weak and inferior.

It’s time to teach boys and men who are aware and satisfied with their emotions, rather than weaker.

Until men and boys can recognize and convert emotional gears instead of acting in anger, we will never be able to build a society where all people (boys, men, girls and women) are able to interact with each other respect and safety.

The views expressed in this article are the author's own views and do not necessarily reflect the editorial position of Al Jazeera.